by I became intrigued with the concept of defensiveness, and I decided to do more research on the matter. I found one video (below) that identified GUILT as the driving force behind defensive behavior. I found another video from a TED Talk that claimed that FEAR was the driving force for defensive behavior. Both can be true.
If guilt is the driving force, then (as we learned from our opposite to emotion work) the response to guilt is to be open.
If the driving force is fear, we can visualize facing the fear. Humans have survived far worse than this current situation. “Just do it.”
Solutions to address defensive behavior include blending several skills.
- Mindfulness work helps us to pay attention to our current state and help us to recognize and name our emotions, which in turn will guide us to respond appropriately. Also, mindfulness skills will help us to recognize what is happening with the other person so that we can be attuned to them.
- Validating the other person and looking for the kernel of truth in what they are saying is valuable in de-escalating situations.
“You gave light to the darkness and the darkness has dispelled and disappeared.” (Does this sound like our ‘Good Wolf – Bad Wolf’ story?)