by Do what works — even if you have an urge to do otherwise. For example, you may have an urge to punch someone in the face. However, they may not be effective if you are trying to convince this person to cooperate with you. Your mindfulness skills of observing and describing will help you to slow down so that you do not act impulsively on your urges.
I remember a time when I worked at the psychiatric hospital and I was leading a group. A patient was being quite disruptive and we were trying to get this person to leave the group. The patient was refusing to leave despite our tactful attempts to get her to talk to staff individually outside the room. Eventually, the patient decided to leave. As she was walking out the door, another patient threw an insult as her, which caused her to turn around and continue to disrupt the group. So, was throwing the insult effective?
Well, that depends upon the goal. If the goal was to have the patient leave the group, it definitely was not effective. If the goal was to continue a fight and prove who was right and who was wrong, it may have been effective. However, this patient was psychotic and probably not in the mind to recognize how her behavior was affecting others.
This same dynamic plays out when couples fight. They lose track of the goal (to solve some problem) and instead turn the discussion into a fight of who is right and who is wrong.
So, when being Effective, we stay focused on the goal and we take in information from the environment and other people involved. We use skills to manage our frustration, hurt, or other emotions that come up, and we continue to behave in a manner that brings us to the desired outcome.