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Are you in a destructive relationship? What are the signs and symptoms of a destructive relationship?
Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, defines a destructive relationship as a relationship that “has the quality of destroying or completely spoiling either the quality of the relationship or aspects of yourself–such as your physical body and safety, your self-esteem or sense of integrity, your happiness or peace of mind, or your caring for the other person.”
Marsha Linehan states, “An ‘Interfering relationship’ is one that blocks or makes difficult your pursuing goals that are important to you; your ability to enjoy life and do things you like doing; your relationship with other persons; or the welfare of others that you love.”
She adds, “If you are consistently invalidated, the relationship is likely destructive.”
An ‘interfering relationship’ may be problem-solved. However, if it cannot be corrected, then it is time to consider whether continuing in the relationship is healthy.
If the goal in DBT is to build a life worth living, and you find yourself in a destructive relationship, by definition, the destructive relationship prevents the realization of the goal to achieve a life worth living.
This cognitive dissonance must be resolved by either doing things that make life worth living or redefining what a life worth living looks like. If a person continues to live with cognitive dissonance, it contributes to feelings of depression.
A fear of conflict often keeps people in destructive relationships. Marsha Linehan recommends ending destructive relationships. Use skills for assertiveness and coping ahead to plan your exit.
If the relationship is violent, other interventions are necessary in order to ensure your safety:
Domestic Violence Safety Plan
Victims of domestic violence need to plan in advance for safety. The following considerations are important ones, and they can be discussed in a therapy session.
Things to think about and have ready:
- Important phone numbers. These may include hotlines, clergy, school contacts, friends and the local domestic violence resources and shelters.
- Friends or neighbors that could seek help on your behalf. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
- Safe exit from home. Practice ways to get out quickly if need be.
- Safer places within the home. Think about places where victims can go to be away from the abuser.
- Remove all weapons from the house if possible.
- Even if clients are not open to the idea of leaving, it is still important to have them consider where they could go. An “exit strategy” is also helpful. This strategy may involve a way to leave the house, such as walking the dog or going to the store. It is also helpful to have a bag of everyday items packed, but well hidden.
- Encourage clients to go over their safety plan often.
Other considerations:
- Have clients think of three or four places they could go if they leave home.
- Have clients think about people who might help if they left. These may include people who could keep a bag for them, who could loan them money, or who could help with children. It is also important to make plans for pets.
- Clients may consider getting a prepaid cell phone to pack in a bag.
- Clients may consider opening a bank account or getting a credit card in their name only.
- Clients should consider issues regarding children. There may be times when it is safer to leave without children.
Things to take:
- Order of protection
- Money
- Keys to car, house, work
- Extra clothes
- Medicine
- Important papers
- Birth certificates
- Social security cards
- School and medical records
- Bankbooks, credit cards
- Driver’s license
- Car registration
- Welfare identification
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.7233
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/ca/sacramento
https://www.weaveinc.org/
https://sacloaves.org/maryhouse
http://www.my-sisters-house.org/