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In DBT, Marsha Linehan has defined mindfulness with the “What Skills” (covered last week) and the “How Skills.”
The “How Skills” are:
- Non-judgmentally
- One-Mindfully
- Effectively
Essentially, these skills describe more explicitly how to perform the “What Skills” of observe, describe, and participate. We observe non-judgmentally, describe one thing at a time, and participate effectively (do what works).
The concept of a non-judgmental stance warrants additional discussion. When identifying judgmental statements, it is helpful to notice the use of the word, “should.”
When we tell ourselves what we should do, it is often because we are not doing that thing, which is thereby admonishing ourselves. This carries the emotional consequence of depression or shame.
An alternative to judging is to practice acceptance — noticing and accepting what is. If we do not like it, we can make a decision to change it. However, to change something, it is necessary to first accept what is present.
It is impossible to be free of all judgments. We have to make judgments and decisions every day. We decide whether something is safe, appropriate, healthy, necessary, etc.
Sometimes, it is helpful to notice the emotional consequence of a judgmental statement. Are there feelings of shame, discouragement, overwhelm, or inadequacy? Changing from judgmental thoughts to factual descriptions can reduce this emotional consequence.
Being aware of judgmental thoughts will help us to find the middle path of self-acceptance while maintaining healthy boundaries.