Accessible DBT

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

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The “People-Pleaser’s” Dilema

Picture with 4 representations of what healthy boundaries are. In the first representation, there are two people in bubbles that touch with the words healthy boundaries below it. In the second representation, the "you" bubble is bigger with the "me" bubble smaller and halfway inside the "you" bubble with the words not this below it. In the third representation, the "bubble" is bigger and the "you" bubble is smaller with the words not his below it. In the fourth representation, there is only one bubble with "me" and "you" inside it with the words not this below it.

Healthy people maintain healthy boundaries with others. In essence people get to decide what they will or will not do, and what they will or will not tolerate from others.

Setting boundaries involves saying no to others or setting limits. It might be something like, “No, I am not available to drive you to your appointment on Thursday,” or “Please do not call me after 9 pm as my days start early in the morning.”

Of course, this also means that we respect the boundaries set by others. For example, if someone says no, we accept their answer without argument or judgment. Or we do not call at 10 pm when they set a limit of no calls after 9 pm.

Usually, we set boundaries based upon our value system, our priorities, or our comfort level. When we are clear with ourselves about our values and boundaries, then we can be clear with others about stating what they are.

But we must also be reasonable and fair. For example, it is not fair to occupy more than one seat in a theater or on a bus because we do not feel comfortable sitting next to someone. Or it is not fair to request that a person stop doing something that is their nature or identity.

Setting boundaries is NOT a means to control the behavior of others. If we are offended by someone else’s behavior, it is inappropriate to impose our value system on them. It is not right to tell them to change because their behavior does not align with our belief system. We certainly would not like it if they tried to impose their values on us!

The purpose of setting boundaries is to protect ourselves and to maintain a sense of self so that we do not ‘chameleon’ into others or get trampled on by others.